A Spiritual Journey

I didn't know, at the onset of this unexpected, miraculous pregnancy that this was going to be such a spiritual journey. As I approach the end, not knowing when the end will actually come, or how it will all work out (especially in light of COVID happening right in the middle of all this), I feel a daily battle to succumb to feelings of uncertainty, sorrow, anxiety, depression, and great desires to feel close to God, to feel strong, to feel capable. My induction date keeps changing (later and later and later...only by a matter of days, but at the end of pregnancy that feels like literally an eternity), and I have had such a battle with fearful thoughts, worries, and depressing clouds of darkness in my heart and mind. I have been learning what it really means to pray and commune with the Lord, as that has been the source of any relief that comes.

The other day I was feeling so low, and I prayed and prayed just for relief from the discouraging thoughts. And I was reminded of something that I learned long ago when we were adopting, but that I had forgotten.

And this is what I learned: While I have great hopes and miracles that I am seeking for in this pregnancy (particularly that of this baby being born sooner rather than later, the blessing of feeling hope in my heart/that everything will turn out/that I can do this, that Todd will be with me for the delivery, and that we will all stay healthy)...I'll be okay and life can still be beautiful and eternal life still happen if this baby comes several weeks late, I have to do it on my own, my mom doesn't meet her, we get sick, or each day is a struggle, because He will heal my heart and help me learn eternal principles from those experiences too that I need and couldn't get in any other way.

I continue to pray for relief from the anxiety that creeps into my heart each morning. He continues to soothe it. He continues to pull me out of the gloom and help me press forward. I know women all over the world are pregnant and have babies every day, I just never understood what it all entailed. I never understood what the three amazing birth mothers to our first three children went through on their behalf. I never imagined myself here in this journey. I continue to pray for miracles, for help, for strength. And all I can do is trust, that come what may, that is what is needed for the benefit of our family, for eternity.