About a year and a half after beginning the adoption process we were chosen by a birth mother to be the adoptive parents of her son, expected to be born around January 15. While the wait time for me was filled with almost-incapacitating anxiety, we quickly began making preparations to be parents: I quit my job, friends and family made blankets and brought gifts, we got the room and all necessary baby supplies ready, and we chose a name.
Here are a few journal entries from this time of waiting for the birth:
"The past few days have been rather emotional. I have struggled and fought to find peace and comfort. I have felt afraid and scared and completely unprepared. I have felt uneasy and doubtful. I have had fears about where to put him, how to keep our finances, about our relationship, and the myriad of emotions and stresses and worries that come with parenthood...This morning I have felt so uneasy, I have made myself sick over the worry...On Wednesday, I almost had a nervous breakdown. I had to leave work early because I was making myself sick.”
We tried to have everything ready by the time we left for Nebraska to pick up our son. When we got to the hospital, we took pictures with him, fed him, and helped the nurses give him his first bath. Here are some of my words from those first few hours with him:
"Today [Friday, January 15, 2010] Jeydan Todd was born at 7:48am. He was 7lb 12 ½ oz and 21" long. He is beautiful! Angels have surrounded us all day...When we got back to [the birth mothers’s] room, she asked if we wanted to hold him, so I held him for a bit and then Todd held for awhile."
"It [Saturday] has been an extremely trying evening. Two of [the birth mothers’s] sisters came and things kind of changed. They were changing his diaper and just weren't being very gentle and it took all my strength to just sit there, because I knew I had to or it would ruin everything. But I was about to lose it. We left...When we came back to the hospital, the nurse told us that...they were all making plans to just take him home...We went to the chapel [in the hospital]. We cried and prayed. When we got back to our hotel, we cried and truly felt like we could do no more. So we called all our family and friends and asked them to do an emergency fast for us - we needed a miracle right now...We have had to put complete faith and trust in the Lord. We have done all we can. I know the Lord will provide. Faith precedes the miracle."
"[Sunday, January 17, 2010] [The birth mother] decided to keep the baby. Last night when we got back [to the hotel] we felt completely hopeless - it was as if the Spirit had withdrawn. We had felt the Spirit all week long and I think we needed to have that Spirit withdrawn from us - in order for us to...fully receive the miraculous outpouring of the Savior’s love...And truly God is a God of miracles. We have felt an outpouring of the Savior’s love - it is a miracle! At a time when I could have been so downhearted, so distraught, so hopeless, I haven’t been. We have felt God’s love so profoundly today...Last night I couldn’t sleep...I was tossing and turning all night long. We woke up at 4:30am, just sick and aching for this little boy…[But now] we are happy! Why? Because of the gospel of Jesus Christ! Without that knowledge of the plan of salvation and of the Savior, we would be without hope. But we have that hope and that joy...I better understand about eternal truths that can only be taught during trials...So now we move on.”
The Savior is able to heal us anytime in any situation. He is a God of miracles. When we prayed mightily for a miracle the night before, we were hoping for a drastic change of heart from the birth mother. In reality, we learned that even Heavenly Father can’t take away anyone’s agency, but the Savior certainly can heal us miraculously. What could have been life-altering sorrow, became a life-changing experience. It brought Todd and I closer to the Savior and to one another than ever before. He works miracles, even in ways we least expect it.
Here are a few journal entries from this time of waiting for the birth:
"The past few days have been rather emotional. I have struggled and fought to find peace and comfort. I have felt afraid and scared and completely unprepared. I have felt uneasy and doubtful. I have had fears about where to put him, how to keep our finances, about our relationship, and the myriad of emotions and stresses and worries that come with parenthood...This morning I have felt so uneasy, I have made myself sick over the worry...On Wednesday, I almost had a nervous breakdown. I had to leave work early because I was making myself sick.”
We tried to have everything ready by the time we left for Nebraska to pick up our son. When we got to the hospital, we took pictures with him, fed him, and helped the nurses give him his first bath. Here are some of my words from those first few hours with him:
"Today [Friday, January 15, 2010] Jeydan Todd was born at 7:48am. He was 7lb 12 ½ oz and 21" long. He is beautiful! Angels have surrounded us all day...When we got back to [the birth mothers’s] room, she asked if we wanted to hold him, so I held him for a bit and then Todd held for awhile."
"It [Saturday] has been an extremely trying evening. Two of [the birth mothers’s] sisters came and things kind of changed. They were changing his diaper and just weren't being very gentle and it took all my strength to just sit there, because I knew I had to or it would ruin everything. But I was about to lose it. We left...When we came back to the hospital, the nurse told us that...they were all making plans to just take him home...We went to the chapel [in the hospital]. We cried and prayed. When we got back to our hotel, we cried and truly felt like we could do no more. So we called all our family and friends and asked them to do an emergency fast for us - we needed a miracle right now...We have had to put complete faith and trust in the Lord. We have done all we can. I know the Lord will provide. Faith precedes the miracle."
"[Sunday, January 17, 2010] [The birth mother] decided to keep the baby. Last night when we got back [to the hotel] we felt completely hopeless - it was as if the Spirit had withdrawn. We had felt the Spirit all week long and I think we needed to have that Spirit withdrawn from us - in order for us to...fully receive the miraculous outpouring of the Savior’s love...And truly God is a God of miracles. We have felt an outpouring of the Savior’s love - it is a miracle! At a time when I could have been so downhearted, so distraught, so hopeless, I haven’t been. We have felt God’s love so profoundly today...Last night I couldn’t sleep...I was tossing and turning all night long. We woke up at 4:30am, just sick and aching for this little boy…[But now] we are happy! Why? Because of the gospel of Jesus Christ! Without that knowledge of the plan of salvation and of the Savior, we would be without hope. But we have that hope and that joy...I better understand about eternal truths that can only be taught during trials...So now we move on.”
The Savior is able to heal us anytime in any situation. He is a God of miracles. When we prayed mightily for a miracle the night before, we were hoping for a drastic change of heart from the birth mother. In reality, we learned that even Heavenly Father can’t take away anyone’s agency, but the Savior certainly can heal us miraculously. What could have been life-altering sorrow, became a life-changing experience. It brought Todd and I closer to the Savior and to one another than ever before. He works miracles, even in ways we least expect it.
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