When we found out about Jackson joining our family, we were very excited, and very scared. Jackie was born in Atlanta, and we had just been there two weeks prior experiencing the hardest trial of our lives at that time, when we chose to give Isaac back to his birth mother. But we knew that our story needed to continue forward with Jackie. This time only I could go to Atlanta, since Todd had used up all his vacation time being in Atlanta for two weeks earlier that month. We worked out the details and I bought a flight for Tuesday morning. We debated about having the baby stay at the respite care home until ICPC cleared, we also talked about maybe having me go later in the week, but our thoughts led us to having me go sooner. This decision was also confirmed when we heard that Jackson was having a hard time eating and had a little hernia. We felt like it would be good for me to go out to get those issues resolved. We also didn’t feel right placing that burden on someone else, since he was our son. So we moved forward and made all the plans for me to travel to Atlanta.
We left for the airport Tuesday morning. We were all nervous, this time mostly to be apart. When we got to the airport Savannah cried. I was very nervous to go by myself. I asked the Lord to accompany and strengthen me. The flights went okay. But I was anxious. I got to Atlanta in the late afternoon. Traffic was crazy, but my cousin Joseph was gracious enough to run me up and around the city to get Jackson. It took us four hours to get from the airport to where he was, and then back to Joseph's house. It was a long afternoon and evening. We slept reasonably well that first night.
The next day the sorrow hit in. Deep sorrow, anxiety, nervousness, loneliness, and dread for the coming week. The next several days were spent in a blur. I got very little sleep. I tried desperately to bond with Jackson, but was still afraid to. I didn’t know how raw my emotions would still be from the Isaac experience. And now here I was in the same room, using the same clothes, having the same baby supplies that we had just a few weeks prior with Isaac, but now holding another little boy. It was very surreal, and very challenging. I didn’t know if I could get close to him. I was so afraid. And I missed Isaac. I still felt love for him and longed for the experience we had had just two weeks earlier. I tried to care for Jackson as best as I could. It was an emotional trial that I didn't see coming. I could hardly contain my emotions. Tears came frequent and often. It was so hard to do it all by myself, amidst all the range of emotions, and the fatigue.
I tried to focus on my daily tasks: feeding Jackson, feeding myself, changing diapers, resting when possible, reading my scriptures, praying, and trying to cope and hold on. It was a much different trial than I had ever experienced. I felt so much more dependant on my Heavenly Father. Even though I had the kindness of my cousins, I felt very alone. The long and drawn-out days gave way to sleepless and anxious nights. It was difficult to eat, yet I was hungry so I had trouble sleeping from feeling constantly sick.
I felt ashamed at my weakness. I wanted to be happy and content and enjoy this time when all I had to worry about was taking care of him. But it was so hard. I didn't understand why the inner storm was suddenly raging. I felt like I was sinking. I continued to fight, to pray, to study, to care for Jackson, and to do my best to let my heart be drawn out to Him. I sought out aids and comforts: scripture studying, talking often with my family, having small milestones each day, talking with our adoption agent, and being with other people as much as I could.
On Friday, we realized that it would be at least Tuesday until the clearance came due to the Memorial Day weekend. My Dad was able down to be with me for a few days. He arrived on Monday morning. He gave me and Jackson priesthood blessings. Tuesday there was still no news and I called Todd and told him I was ready to just have him come out. We talked it over and decided that if we didn’t receive clearance the next day from Georgia, then he and Savannah would come out, because then (we thought) it wouldn’t be until Monday that we would be clear to go home. I decided to fast that night that we would get clearance from Georgia on Wednesday and be able to go home on Friday, or that Todd and Savannah could come out.
I recorded this in my journal, "Today I was pleading with Heavenly Father for hope. It was another really difficult night with Jackson. In the morning I cared for him. And then went for a walk. I did a lot of crying and praying on my walk. I plead with Heavenly Father for help and hope. I also felt like I needed to take time to offer thanks to Him. So I spent a lot of time thinking about and thanking Him for my many blessings. It was an enjoyable experience. I was anxious all day. Waiting to hear if we got cleared to leave Georgia yet. I asked my Dad for a blessing and he gave one to me and Jackson and I was so thankful. I am so grateful for the priesthood. In the afternoon Dad and I went to a few stores to get some things for him and for Jackson. I was so thankful to be able to get out. I called Todd this evening feeling so anxious. I told him that I really wanted him and Savannah to just come out. I started feeling hopeful that he was thinking about the idea. We had a good dinner with Joseph and Jill. Later I talked with Todd more. We weren't sure what to do. It would be an added cost, and we didn't want to just be giving in because of impatience. Yet, if it is going to take longer, then we want to be together and enjoy this special time together. We want to make a good decision. We discussed, but weren't really getting anywhere. We hung up. I said a prayer to ask what we should do. Todd called me back a few minutes later, and suggested that if it doesn't clear tomorrow, then they will come, and if it does clear, then I will just be able to plan to come home and that will be good. I am thankful for the glimmer of hope today. It was so needed. This is an experience that will become part of us.”
Another day I recorded, "At this time I am in Georgia all alone. I am staying with Joseph and Jill's family and they have been so good and kind to me and I am so thankful for their graciousness. Yet, it is so hard. I have feelings of loneliness, depression, despair. I don't know when I will be able to go home. It is hard caring for Jackson all by myself, far away from home. I am getting little sleep. I am tired, yet my body is having a hard time sleeping. I am trying to fight feelings of despair and discouragement, but I must admit I am not doing a very good job. Last night I prayed for help. I haven't yet recognized the answers, so I wanted to take a few minutes during my study time today to do some pondering in hopes of being instructed by the Lord and taught by the Spirit so I can better see His hand and find tender mercies.”
Wednesday morning dawned, and with the encouragement of my Dad, he took me to the temple and watched Jackson while I did a session. While I was in the temple, I was hoping and praying that we would receive some news. It was nice to be in the temple. When I got out, there were several messages and missed calls. One text was from our agent saying, “Book your ticket home!” I called her right away, and she said that both Georgia and Utah had cleared! I was so happy and emotional! I called Todd right away and we made arrangements for me to come on the 6:00am flight in the morning. I treated my Dad to lunch afterward, and for once in about a week and a half, I felt like eating.
The night before we came home, I recorded this, "I am so thankful to be going home in a few hours. I didn’t know what an emotional trial this would be when I came out. It’s a good thing I didn’t know. It was so hard. Each day. Waiting. Feeling sick the whole time. Tired and cranky. Unsure of how to care for Jackson best. Anxious about the adoption. Sorrow still from Isaac. Not wanting to overstay my welcome at my cousins. And without my family. I can’t believe I did it. But it was not me. It was the Lord. He carried me each day. Hour to hour, moment to moment. He strengthened and helped me so much."
The next morning we got up about 3:00am CST (I think I slept for about two hours that night) and headed to the airport. After working our way around the Atlanta airport and security, Jackson and I were safely headed back home. When we arrived, it was such a sweet reunion with my family.
Just as the Savior helped me to endure through those challenging nine days, Jesus Christ endured every day to live a perfect life, endured to suffer all the pains of atoning on behalf of our sins and sorrows, and endured on the cross in order to offer us the gift of the resurrection. And He continues to endure right along with us; no matter the circumstance, He is there to walk by our side and give us the power and strength to endure!
We left for the airport Tuesday morning. We were all nervous, this time mostly to be apart. When we got to the airport Savannah cried. I was very nervous to go by myself. I asked the Lord to accompany and strengthen me. The flights went okay. But I was anxious. I got to Atlanta in the late afternoon. Traffic was crazy, but my cousin Joseph was gracious enough to run me up and around the city to get Jackson. It took us four hours to get from the airport to where he was, and then back to Joseph's house. It was a long afternoon and evening. We slept reasonably well that first night.
The next day the sorrow hit in. Deep sorrow, anxiety, nervousness, loneliness, and dread for the coming week. The next several days were spent in a blur. I got very little sleep. I tried desperately to bond with Jackson, but was still afraid to. I didn’t know how raw my emotions would still be from the Isaac experience. And now here I was in the same room, using the same clothes, having the same baby supplies that we had just a few weeks prior with Isaac, but now holding another little boy. It was very surreal, and very challenging. I didn’t know if I could get close to him. I was so afraid. And I missed Isaac. I still felt love for him and longed for the experience we had had just two weeks earlier. I tried to care for Jackson as best as I could. It was an emotional trial that I didn't see coming. I could hardly contain my emotions. Tears came frequent and often. It was so hard to do it all by myself, amidst all the range of emotions, and the fatigue.
I tried to focus on my daily tasks: feeding Jackson, feeding myself, changing diapers, resting when possible, reading my scriptures, praying, and trying to cope and hold on. It was a much different trial than I had ever experienced. I felt so much more dependant on my Heavenly Father. Even though I had the kindness of my cousins, I felt very alone. The long and drawn-out days gave way to sleepless and anxious nights. It was difficult to eat, yet I was hungry so I had trouble sleeping from feeling constantly sick.
I felt ashamed at my weakness. I wanted to be happy and content and enjoy this time when all I had to worry about was taking care of him. But it was so hard. I didn't understand why the inner storm was suddenly raging. I felt like I was sinking. I continued to fight, to pray, to study, to care for Jackson, and to do my best to let my heart be drawn out to Him. I sought out aids and comforts: scripture studying, talking often with my family, having small milestones each day, talking with our adoption agent, and being with other people as much as I could.
On Friday, we realized that it would be at least Tuesday until the clearance came due to the Memorial Day weekend. My Dad was able down to be with me for a few days. He arrived on Monday morning. He gave me and Jackson priesthood blessings. Tuesday there was still no news and I called Todd and told him I was ready to just have him come out. We talked it over and decided that if we didn’t receive clearance the next day from Georgia, then he and Savannah would come out, because then (we thought) it wouldn’t be until Monday that we would be clear to go home. I decided to fast that night that we would get clearance from Georgia on Wednesday and be able to go home on Friday, or that Todd and Savannah could come out.
I recorded this in my journal, "Today I was pleading with Heavenly Father for hope. It was another really difficult night with Jackson. In the morning I cared for him. And then went for a walk. I did a lot of crying and praying on my walk. I plead with Heavenly Father for help and hope. I also felt like I needed to take time to offer thanks to Him. So I spent a lot of time thinking about and thanking Him for my many blessings. It was an enjoyable experience. I was anxious all day. Waiting to hear if we got cleared to leave Georgia yet. I asked my Dad for a blessing and he gave one to me and Jackson and I was so thankful. I am so grateful for the priesthood. In the afternoon Dad and I went to a few stores to get some things for him and for Jackson. I was so thankful to be able to get out. I called Todd this evening feeling so anxious. I told him that I really wanted him and Savannah to just come out. I started feeling hopeful that he was thinking about the idea. We had a good dinner with Joseph and Jill. Later I talked with Todd more. We weren't sure what to do. It would be an added cost, and we didn't want to just be giving in because of impatience. Yet, if it is going to take longer, then we want to be together and enjoy this special time together. We want to make a good decision. We discussed, but weren't really getting anywhere. We hung up. I said a prayer to ask what we should do. Todd called me back a few minutes later, and suggested that if it doesn't clear tomorrow, then they will come, and if it does clear, then I will just be able to plan to come home and that will be good. I am thankful for the glimmer of hope today. It was so needed. This is an experience that will become part of us.”
Another day I recorded, "At this time I am in Georgia all alone. I am staying with Joseph and Jill's family and they have been so good and kind to me and I am so thankful for their graciousness. Yet, it is so hard. I have feelings of loneliness, depression, despair. I don't know when I will be able to go home. It is hard caring for Jackson all by myself, far away from home. I am getting little sleep. I am tired, yet my body is having a hard time sleeping. I am trying to fight feelings of despair and discouragement, but I must admit I am not doing a very good job. Last night I prayed for help. I haven't yet recognized the answers, so I wanted to take a few minutes during my study time today to do some pondering in hopes of being instructed by the Lord and taught by the Spirit so I can better see His hand and find tender mercies.”
Wednesday morning dawned, and with the encouragement of my Dad, he took me to the temple and watched Jackson while I did a session. While I was in the temple, I was hoping and praying that we would receive some news. It was nice to be in the temple. When I got out, there were several messages and missed calls. One text was from our agent saying, “Book your ticket home!” I called her right away, and she said that both Georgia and Utah had cleared! I was so happy and emotional! I called Todd right away and we made arrangements for me to come on the 6:00am flight in the morning. I treated my Dad to lunch afterward, and for once in about a week and a half, I felt like eating.
The night before we came home, I recorded this, "I am so thankful to be going home in a few hours. I didn’t know what an emotional trial this would be when I came out. It’s a good thing I didn’t know. It was so hard. Each day. Waiting. Feeling sick the whole time. Tired and cranky. Unsure of how to care for Jackson best. Anxious about the adoption. Sorrow still from Isaac. Not wanting to overstay my welcome at my cousins. And without my family. I can’t believe I did it. But it was not me. It was the Lord. He carried me each day. Hour to hour, moment to moment. He strengthened and helped me so much."
The next morning we got up about 3:00am CST (I think I slept for about two hours that night) and headed to the airport. After working our way around the Atlanta airport and security, Jackson and I were safely headed back home. When we arrived, it was such a sweet reunion with my family.
Just as the Savior helped me to endure through those challenging nine days, Jesus Christ endured every day to live a perfect life, endured to suffer all the pains of atoning on behalf of our sins and sorrows, and endured on the cross in order to offer us the gift of the resurrection. And He continues to endure right along with us; no matter the circumstance, He is there to walk by our side and give us the power and strength to endure!
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